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Top Ten Signs You’re Choking

  • Beads of sweat are breaking out on your tongue.
  • You’re panting like Rush Limbaugh rolling a boulder up Mt. Everest.
  • In a past life, you were a wildebeest with its windpipe clamped in a lion’s mouth.
  • Your face is redder than a baboon’s butt.
  • Your eyeballs are bulging like Marty Feldman in King Kong's death grip.
  • You’ve got all the mellowness of a hypertensive hummingbird crossed with a jackhammer.
  • Crack junkies tell you to lighten up – you’re making them look bad.
  • Between you and 101 Dalmations, you’re the one peeing more.
  • You’re trembling like Robert Downey Jr. with a cop in his rear-view mirror.
  • Before each shot, your caddy gives you the Heimlich.

© Clark Peterson author of The Goober's Guide To Golf