Top Ten Tipoffs Your Opponent is a Cheater

• Like Seigfried and Roy, he throws a smoke bomb and his lost ball suddenly appears
  
• That weird stain on his ball? Shoe polish.
• You discover his initials, J.T., stand for Jive Turkey.
  
• His shafts are juiced with pine tar and flubber.
  
• When you turn your back, he slathers mud on your ball with a Spackle knife
  
• If he has the same painful leg condition as Casey Martin, how come after every birdie he break dances on the green?
  
• He asks if he can examine your clubs, then leaves a slimy layer of Vaseline on your grips
  
• Claims he’s exempt from the 14-club limit "cuz I choked on a gook land mine in ‘Nam."
  
• When you ask him what he shot, he screams like Jack Nicholson,
  "YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"
  
• That bulge under his pants leg? The Wile E. Coyote Golf Ball Dispenser by Acme.

© Clark Peterson author of The Goober's Guide To Golf